Howdy folks this is your host and dost (read: friend) Jeo Waraich and we are here with another episode of ‘Interview With the Retired’

Audience: *applause* *booing*

As you all are well aware that each week we call a pair of guests who have retired from their day jobs. And this weeks retired guests are Captain Clue-less Insaaf Khan and Qazi Uncle Ex-Ameer-e- Bakarkhani.

Audience: Booooooooooo *throwing rotten eggs and tomatoes*

Jeo Waraich: Starting from you Uncle Qazi (UQ), you have just retired from your party presidency, you must be feeling down. Do you need a hug?

Qazi Uncle (QU): *Sniff Sniff* Yes but my wife is watching us on the tele

Jeo Waraich: Excuze me … well never mind. I will rephrase my question for you; How do you feel after retirement?

Qazi Uncle (QU): I feel like Insaaf Khan; Clue-less

Audience: ROFL hahahah LOL

Jeo Waraich: Well said Uncle … moving on 2 you Insaaf Khan; how do you feel so many years after retirement?

Insaaf Khan: I feel like Reema; No.1 ……………Yeh baby!

Audience: Booooooooooo *throwing rotten eggs and tomatoes*

Jeo Waraich: Well I am sure you feel like Filum staar Reema

Jeo Waraich: Moving on to some serious questions; Qazi Uncle what was your biggest achievement being Ameer-e-Bakarkhani?

Qazi Uncle (QU): Aaah… Never Support the REAL issue in the country and always whine about non-issues?

Jeo Waraich: Well, I am not inquiring about your party’s manifesto and agenda, I am asking about your biggest achievement as an Ameer of Bakar-khani?

Qazi Uncle (QU): I can moon walk in Peshawari sandals MJ style *oooh!* Now how many uncles you know, who can actually do that?

Jeo Waraich: I seriously don’t wanna know

Jeo Waraich: Coming back to you captain, where on earth are you these days?

Insaaf Khan: *shesssh!* It’s a secret..

Jeo Waraich: Whose secret?

Insaaf Khan: Victoria’s Secret!

Jeo Waraich: I beg your pardon :S *shook his head in disapprove*

Insaaf Khan: It’s a foreign conspiracy against me, and they have named the mission; Victoria’s Secret collection of conspiracies.

Jeo Waraich: How relevant

Audience: ROFL hahahah LOL

Jeo Waraich: Now answer me this, how on earth you always whine about justice, drone attacks and Victoria’s secret collection of conspiracies but don’t say a word when towlie-ban blows himself up in a public place?

Insaaf Khan: Because they are not the towlie-banz…it’s a forign conspiracy. In fact Victoria’s Secret collection of conspiracies.

Jeo Waraich: Now that’s absurd

Insaaf Khan: Shut your mouth, you are a DIA agent!

Jeo Waraich: Whats DIA?

Insaaf Khan: Dheedh Intelligence Service

Jeo Waraich: Please get yourself admitted, in your own hospital

Jeo Waraich: Same question uncle qazi, how come you never condemn terrorists attacks in Pakistan?

Qazi Uncle (QU): My wife after 45 years of marriage cant make me a decent cup of tea. How many people protest on that? The halwa in the neighbor hood shop don’t have the right amount of peanuts in it. How fair is that ?

Jeo Waraich: But how is that relevant to the question I asked?

Qazi Uncle (QU): Exactly my point! I rest my case

Audience: *applause*

Ok as you guys are retired now, and lets face it Insaaf Khan as a politician and Qazi Uncle as a stand up comedian in Broadways musicals will have no chance to succeed So we have an astrologer online who also happens to hold a very important ministry in the present Govt. Mr. Know it all Malick

Audience: *booooooooooooo* *eff-you you looooooooooooser*

Jeo Waraich: There there audience, let him speak… don’t give him the treatment he deserve. We know he deserve much worse but … oh c’mon *boooooooooooo*

Audience: *booooooooooooo*

Jeo Waraich: What scientific tools and intelligence do you use to predict the future of people?

Malick: The Same science and intelligence that I use in predicting future terrorist attacks in our country.

Jeo Waraich: And which is?

Malick: Kaka Manna akal da anna

Jeo Waraich: What ?? :S

Malick: Kaka Manna my parrot, he can talk in 5 different languages and predict future of people and countries with his intelligence and scientific theories

Jeo Waraich: Congratulations!! You are an idiot So what future

Malick: Kaka Manna can even tell what Paris Hilton is doing now

Jeo Waraich: No we don’t want to hear it from Kaka Manna, she’ll make a video of it and I can easily download it via my new Broadband connection ;P

Just tell me what the future holds for our guests here?

Malick: Future is bright for these two chaps, Insaaf Khan will be the coach of Women National Cricket team and he will win us the World Cup again Chak De style .

Insaaf Khan: Howizaaat?!!?! Yes Yes!

Malick: As for Uncle Qazi here, he will do his own show on Geo. Nikah online where he will play the real ‘Qazi’.

Qazi Uncle (QU): Wah! Isi Baat per halwa hojaaye

Jeo Waraich: Oh-kay Good, this is all we have this week for you guys. Please don’t give us your feedback, we are aware that our show sucks but when Kamran Khan does not closes his show why should I. eh?

So catch ya next week with two more retired guests on ‘Interview With the Retired’

Popularity: 22% [?]

Starring: Sharif Bros, Zor-dari, Taseer the pimp, Kurd, and actors from Hollywood

Illustrated by: me aka RONIN

Popularity: 28% [?]

Year 2009 celebrations in different part of the world, especially in Pakistan

Popularity: 23% [?]

 

 

People are getting married at this time of the year in Pakistan. For some strange reason people choose to get married in the holiday season especially in December. Why December? Why not the rest of the eleven months, from Jan to November? People don’t divorce each other after looking at the calendar or do they? So why wedding?

 Chubbie Hubbie:  Hey honey, I ve decided to divorce you on the 7^th of October. What do you say?

  

Trophy Wife: Hmmm… I dunno, my aunty who lives in San Francisco won’t be able to attend. How about December?

  

 Chubbie Hubbie: Honky dory! Now let’s make sweet love 

   

 I hate attending marriages. It’s the most over rated occasion to party. Women with horrible sense of fashion get the opportunity to wear deafening make-up, dazzling clothes and perfumes that have a hefty proportion of saturated chloroform. The married men are there to look after the kids. You weren’t expecting Mama to dress like Atiqa Odho and run after young Pappo with a feeder:P And besides It’s the responsibility of daddys to look after their kiddos   

 But not many men learn from the mistakes made by their fathers. You have seen men in you family;  uncles, cousins, elder brothers and friends; regretting the whole fiasco.But how many single men out there actually learn anything from that? And after few months of realization they console each other in weddings. Telling each other how to counter the brutality of the lady in the house.They start by cursing Govt. and America, which is then followed by the question whether India is stupid enough to attack Pakistan and then these married men continue with their whining;

   

 A:Hamid Bhai, you look fatter, balder and uglier! You have completely lost your thing it appears.

   

 B: Yes, that and loads of green (money).

   

A: How come?

B: My friend [Sigh!] when a man decides to get married; he gradually looses every good he has. In contrast his wife gains every bad she has, like weight, weight and loads of weight.   

 A: Which one is your wife by the way?  

B: You see that big sack of wet clothes on that table near the water cooler.

  A:Yes.  

B: That thing is my wife.

   

B: Which one is yours?

   

A: Can you see that woman in the red dress? Who tried to look like Ashwariya and ended up looking like Abhishek.

   

B: The one who’s fiercely rubbing that red lipstick on her jaws?

   

A: Yeah…. That’s my better half.

So the question is what is there for single man? Nothing tempting that can persuade me to go to these gatherings, I still remember how my dad uses to convince me to attend these weddings.

  Me: Dad, I have this important test tomorrow. I can’t go to some stupid wedding.

  

 Dad: Son, If you are not going to attend their wedding, nobody will be present in yours.

  

 Me: Dad what are you talking about. I am hardly 12  and probably not going to get married in the coming 12 (years). [I so successfully predicted that bid :P]

  

 Dad: Hmmmm…. Soch lo, there will be plenty of free ice cream.

  

 Me: So, when is the wedding again? :O

  

 Yes free meal, its the biggest attraction. You will meet an old friend in  a wedding who will be complaining about your absence from the scene and the next thing you know he is somewhere near the food stalls, making the pile of items on his plate. But the highlight of any Pakistani wedding is the movie session; where all who are invited get a chance to have a candid session with the bride and the groom. This session is the longest and most exhausting of all. And the poor groom has to wear this fake smile on his face all the time. Waiting to get ova with the boring part

   

 Now when I think about marriage ceremonies it reminds me of a dialog from  ‘A Night at the Roxubury’ , where the priest asks Will Farrell (the actor) whether he wants to take the lady in the white gown as his bride and he bluntly replies;

  ‘I dunno :S , my father already paid the caterers ’

Popularity: 34% [?]

 

I am sure you all are aware of the XMAS carol. During the Bakra Eid season in Pakistan we have something closer in fact better then that, we called it BKARA EID CAROL. As the day Eid gets closer kids from the neighborhood are found singing and chanting

 

GAAYE AAYEE GAATE AAYEE (Here comes the cow, here comes the cow).     

 

Speaking of cows I like to share an old story of 2cows that were related (cousins) and were very much in LOVE (straight)   But lived at the opposite sides of their respective borders. This is a story of a cow from Pakistan who called her cousin cow in India for some last minute goodbye.

 

Pakistani Cow: How you doing gurl??

 

Indian Cow: never been better

 

Pakistani Cow: Hmmm… somebody sounds happy??

 

Indian Cow: You bet !! listen to this one, over here in India I AM GAAAD!

 

Pakistani Cow: Holy Kawww! Get out of here, you are keeding me right?

 

Indian Cow: I swear upon Anjuman (Lollywood Actress) the only cow from our community who made it to the big screens.

 

Pakistani Cow: Sigh! You better not be lying because swearing upon Anju’s name is blasphemous in COW religion.

 

Indian Cow: I know that Gurl! And I am telling, you I am having the best time of my life. They feed me fresh grass, icy water, I live in an air conditioned farm house and I even got an IPOD And the respect makes me feel all holy and stuff

 

 

Pakisatni Cow: Hmmm…. Ok… Btw I am pretty popular here too, I guess. People from different neighborhood come to check me out as well and where ever I go they chant;

 

 

GAAYE AAYEE GAATE AAYEE 

 

 

Indian Cow: why they haven’t seen a white cow before

Popularity: 35% [?]